137
by GinnyBadWolf
Summary: Achievement Hunter fic in a GTAV Au - Raywood. Ryan has always been known as the Mad King - a murderer renowned for the horror he inflicts on others. But Ryan isn't the Mad King. That's just what everybody thinks. In fact, they're two different people. But it's not like anybody can tell the difference, anyway.


**I suggest you listen to 'Control' by Halsey before, during, or after reading this fic.**

Sometimes people mix up Ryan and the Mad King.

Ryan thinks those people are stupid, but those people are everyone, so it only solidifies his opinions on humanity.

* * *

Ryan isn't sure when he realized that he was different from the other kids, but he thinks it's about when he was 14. He was watching Star Wars with his friends, but didn't understand why everyone hated Darth Vader so much. He didn't get why they all rooted for Luke and Leia and Han Solo - they were likeable, but stupid. The Dark Side offered power - even if they did turn to the dark side, they could still harness the dark powers and use them for good if they wanted.

His friends thought he was an idiot for thinking that the Dark Side was appealing.

Over time, James got a better handle on his differences. He started to realize that he truly was very different from everybody else. Another time this was apparent was when he played Truth or Dare, and he chose Truth. His friends told him to tell his darkest secret, and he said that sometimes he felt like two different people fighting for control. James didn't understand the importance of secrecy fully at that time.

Apparently, somebody there told their mother, who told his mother, who paid a psychologist to talk to him once a week. James hated his psychologist, who eventually diagnosed him with dissociative identity disorder, or as his mother called it, multiple personality disorder. His psychologist had it all wrong. There wasn't another kind of James. There was a vicious murderer who possessed his body, took him for his own and played around with other humans like they were his lab rats.

James didn't know that bit yet, though.

They gave him pills, and since he was just a kid, it wasn't so bad. Ryan doesn't have any pills anymore - he can't prescribe them for himself, so stealing them is out, and he can't very well go and buy some because he's a notorious criminal. But James is just an innocent kid with an unfortunate disorder and doctors to prescribe things for him, so everything is mostly fine.

James didn't kill anybody until after he had graduated from college, but he had hurt people in the past. Ryan can't recall a single thing from when he had hurt them, but he remembers standing over unconscious people with their blood on his hands.

James didn't ever get caught.

But the first time he did ever kill somebody, he was in Los Santos looking for a job. And he had gotten mugged. Well, somebody had tried to mug him. But James was 22 years old and very capable of hurting people, and when he was conscious of his actions again, the mugger was bruised, bent, and bloodied in the back of an alley without a heartbeat.

James never woke up again after that. The Mad King had taken over and killed somebody, and James had died somewhere in the process of that murder. He woke up as Ryan, which was his middle name.

Ryan was an interesting mix of James and the Mad King. He still possessed the dangerous streak the Mad King had developed, but to a lesser degree. Also, he was sane enough to function as a human being like James had. But he had decided to call himself Ryan, for a few reasons.

It was partly because James was a name a little too pretentious for a criminal.

It was partly because he didn't want to taint his childhood with a name that had blood on its hands.

It was partly because 'Ryan Haywood' had a nice ring to it.

It was mostly because he didn't want anybody from his past to associate themselves with him anymore. It would be more effective if he changed his last name, but as stated above, 'Haywood' sounded good.

Ryan had decided this almost immediately after murdering the guy, and also decided to take up the life of a criminal. Then, he walked to Walmart to buy some face paint and bleach. After that, bought a gun, and then a black skull mask.

He decided to call himself the Vagabond, because he was constantly roaming between two different people. After that, the life of crime got him sweet cash and sweet release for the King. He never considered for one moment going back to the civilian lifestyle. Maybe deciding to be a criminal was one of the quickest and most rash decisions he had ever made, but it was also one of his best.

A surprisingly short time later, he found himself in the Fake AH Crew. Occasionally, the guys would reference to him as the Mad King, but he didn't want to correct them, because he didn't want them to realize that there was something wrong with him that could be medically diagnosed as 'bat-shit crazy'. His friends thought he was casual bat-shit crazy, the kind that wasn't an actual disorder. If he let on that Ryan and the Mad King were completely different, that could lead to questions.

Besides, they usually called him the Mad King because other people did. Somehow, during one of the times the Mad King got set free, one of the people nearby heard him say, "You never mess with the Mad King and get away with it." By some miracle, that person had escaped, and people realized that Ryan's name was the Mad King. Which it isn't, but they wouldn't know that.

* * *

The Mad King is very strange. He essentially has intrusive thoughts, where he says in Ryan's head: "I'll kill them, and it'll be fun!" Occasionally, (and this scares Ryan the most) the Mad King takes over him temporarily, but Ryan is still conscious. The Mad King will say something terrible, maybe kill a person or two, using Ryan's body. Then, he'll just go away again.

This is what makes the Crew think that he's not separate from the Mad King at all - it isn't a huge display of death and blood, it's just one or two deaths. Or maybe it's just a creepy comment from Ryan, no big deal.

But when the Mad King does fully come out, it's terrible. Most of the time, he kills about twenty people tops, but usually it ranges around ten. At least, that's what Ryan thinks - he can never be sure, because he can never see it happening.

In the Crew, only Geoff and Jack have ever seen the Mad King. They just thought Ryan was angry - it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, because the Mad King has always been intruding and convincing the Crew that a Ryan is a creepy motherfucker.

Still, it wasn't pretty. They only talked about it once, and it went like this:

"Dude. You just killed a shit ton of people."

"I - I know."

"You're good cover."

"Yeah."

It ended just like that, and Ryan was glad that it was over so quickly.

The next time he triggered, it was on a heist again. He usually gets triggered by heists - all the adrenaline and the blood and heat of the moment action brings out the best and the worst of him. Sometimes he gets triggered when he's really angry - and that never ends well, because it's always _somebody_ who is pissing him off. Those people don't usually live.

He fears for Gavin and his stupid fucking pranks, because if Ryan gets too angry, bad shit will go down.

But the rest of the crew is clueless to his problems, so he can't tell them to be _fucking careful_ around him sometimes. Even if they're scared of him, they aren't scared of him enough.

* * *

The Crew doesn't realize that 'murder break' is less of a joke to Ryan than it is to them. They don't realize that the real joke is the _Mad Countdown,_ the 'It has been - days since last accident' sign for Ryan. Ryan started to call it that after he ran out of pills (A few months after becoming a criminal), his own grim joke.

It didn't take long for Ryan to realize that intentionally letting the Mad King out is a bad idea. The Mad King is like a rabid beast chained inside his own mind, and he was constantly struggling for escape. The more Ryan lets it out, the more it became accustomed to the outside world, and the more it would struggle for freedom.

Ryan dreads the day the Mad King takes over permanently, because whatever the Mad King is, it isn't human. It has no regard for human life. It could go off and kill anyone in the Crew, anyone, and Ryan doesn't want that. No way in hell.

And so begins the murder break. Ryan tries to keep these going as long as possible, because the less the Mad King escapes, the better. His personal record is 137 days without accident on the _Mad Countdown,_ but he wants it to be higher. The average of the numbers the day before it gets flipped back to zero is 43 (Ryan does the math when there isn't anything else to do. He remembers all the numbers.)

The reason it's called the _Mad Countdown_ is because it's not a count-up. The higher the number gets, the more likely the Mad King is to escape, and the uneasier Ryan feels. When the number gets really high, he gets in a weird space where he wants to stay home where nothing will trigger him, but he also wants to go on a crime spree just to get it out of his system. What he's saying is that it's not a count-up because it's really just ticking off the time until the Mad King gets out again.

* * *

And in comes Ray. Ray is funny, and Ray is young, and Ray is good. Ryan really likes him. Really, really likes him.

But the Mad King is too dangerous for love, so he stops himself from calling it 'love'.

Another 'but' - But Ray has never seen the Mad King. And though Ray is Ryan's good friend, Ryan knows Ray would always be a little terrified of Ryan no matter what after the Mad King. So he keeps his distance.

Ray knows _about_ the Mad King - everyone does. It would be weird if he didn't. But Ryan is glad that he hasn't truly seen the extent of the Mad King's madness. Ryan's glad that _Ryan_ hasn't truly seen the extent of the Mad King's madness, because that would make Ryan go mad and he doesn't want to be in a perpetual state of madness.

Ryan's getting sidetracked now, and it's not helping him tell the story. But, anyway, the point of this passage is that Ray, while knowing of the Mad King, has not seen him in action.

* * *

It's Day 128 that has Ryan freaking out. He's getting dangerously, tantalizingly close to another Mad King escapade and the Crew doesn't even have a big heist planned for some time in the next few days. Maybe Ryan might squeak past day 137, but either way, it's coming soon. There isn't a way of putting him off for that long.

Ryan is having his 'I need to go out but I have to stay in' dilemma, in which he needs to get out of the AH HQ, but he wants to stay in to keep the Mad King from escaping. This is a big dilemma, because if he stays in for too long and the Mad King gets out, he'll inevitably end up hurting himself or somebody else in the Crew. If he goes outside, he's more likely to trigger and just get this Mad King out of his system. But out in Los Santos, there's a world full of potential collateral damage just waiting for him to destroy.

Despite what the others think, Ryan isn't a cold-blooded murderer. Well, technically speaking, he is a murderer in a lot of different and horrific ways. But he always kills for a reason - for a heist, for some money, for the preservation of the crew's anonymity. But he doesn't kill for sport. That's what separates him from the Mad King - the Mad King plays in blood like it's the ocean and he's a shark, and revels in death and destruction because it makes him feel like he's at the top of the food chain, the King of the court. That's not Ryan.

The point is, he doesn't want to go and destroy everything and everyone around him for no good reason. That's what the outside holds. But, as a criminal in a close-knit group of friends who live together, he always chooses outside over inside if it gets to that point. Usually, it doesn't get to that point, because he'll go off at a heist or something on a bunch of police, the _Mad Countdown_ flips back to zero, and he stops feeling really anxious.

But right now, it's looking like he's going to go out and kill some innocents for no reason, because nothing is planned for any time soon and everybody else is tired and lazy and playing video games. They're not feeling it right now, which is unfortunate for Ryan. So he's sitting in his room, staring at the wall, debating the pros and cons of going out.

 _Pros:_

 _Don't kill anybody you really care about_

 _Get him out of your system_

 _Postpone the inevitable fact that Ray will see you being the Mad King because you'll probably be somewhere far away when it happens_

 _Cons:_

 _Kill a bunch of innocents for no reason_

 _Risk your own safety_

 _Be somewhere else for a bunch of days and have the rest of the crew ask questions_

In the end, no option is favorable, and Ryan just wants to scream and stop thinking about it.

* * *

Late at night, on day 136 Ryan thinks he might actually go mad. He knows that the Mad King could go off any time - hell, he could go off on day 200, if that would ever come. 137 is just Ryan's personal record, it isn't a due date or anything.

But still, the Mad King is bound to come out some time, and that time will definitely be soon. It makes Ryan feel sick with how close he is, and he just wants to sit in his room and do nothing. He's scared that even losing a video game will set him off.

He hears the squeaking of a door hinge, and jumps up from where he's lying on his bed. The door opens, and Ray comes in and says, "Who died?" Ryan smiles weakly, and thinks: _No, who_ will _die._

Ryan doesn't know what to say or do. How can he tell somebody about the Mad King? He's never told anybody about what it's like to have somebody else live inside his head, somebody who's a brutal murderer. He doesn't want to tell. He doesn't have to tell.

Ray lays down on the bed and stretches, taking up more space than he should and completely encroaching on Ryan's territory. "I'm fuckin' bored." He doesn't seem to notice Ryan's apparent state of silence and shock, and if he does, he doesn't give a shit. Ryan is weird enough that most people learn to go with it without question over time.

Ryan thinks he might have a chance to go outside if he plays his cards right. If he goes out with Ray, he can get into some trouble, send Ray out separately, and let the Mad King take over for a bit. That way he can kill some motherfuckers who deserve it. He knows it's a risky plan, but everything right now is a risk, so he might as well do one that reaps some reward. Some is better than none. The only problem is the issue of making sure that Ray doesn't suspect a thing.

Ryan turns to Ray and says, "Wanna go rob somebody?" Ray doesn't even say anything, he just sits up and smiles.

* * *

Ryan and Ray are downstairs in the garage by 10:47, picking out a car. They browse at the expensive sports cars, but decide they're too fancy and expensive for a cheap heist like this, so they decide on a red motorcycle. Ray hoists his pink sniper rifle onto his shoulder, and Ryan grabs a shotgun and a rocket launcher.

They get on the motorcycle, Ryan in front, Ray behind grabbing onto Ryan's waist. Ryan's glad that he's wearing a mask and face paint, because Ray is straightforward and would surely comment on the redness of Ryan's cheeks. Then, trying to leave the thought behind, Ryan starts the motorcycle and they fly into the night.

The city lights whizz by, and Ray is laughing in his ear. Ryan goes faster and faster, dropping a gear so he can keep accelerating. The wind is blowing, hard, and he reaches up a hand to rip off his mask and stuff it in his pocket. It's a bit of a risk going one-handed, even for a moment, at this speed, but what's life without risk?

The wind on his face feels like heaven, making his face paint cold and wet. He grins for a small moment, the most he's smiled in a few weeks. The wind is cold, hitting his face without mercy, and for a few moments it blows away the impending gloom of the Mad King.

Ray is yelling in his ear, "This is fucking crazy!" He waits a moment for Ray's next comment, which he has already predicted. It comes in a second. "Go faster!"

Ryan does, and he's probably hit the limit of the motorcycle by now. Everything is a blur of color and lights, and he thinks he loves Los Santos more than he ever has in this moment. Crime-ridden trash pile as it is, he loves it.

Ray goes quiet for a moment, and then says: "Wanna rob the convenience store?"

Ryan does want to rob the convenience store. Nobody except the clerk is going to be here by now, because it's 11:30. Everybody is either home, or in a strip club. So he rides past it, and then does a wildly fast turn that would catch the tires on fire if he was going one mile per hour faster. The motorcycle turns at such a violent angle he could probably graze the ground with his elbow if he chose to, but he doesn't.

Ray shouts, and then laughs in his ear. " _That_ was fucking crazy!" Ryan comes to a screeching halt in front of the store, and sits on the bike marveling at his own driving skills for a moment. He turns to Ray, whose glasses are sitting crookedly on the bridge of his nose. His hair is messy as dicks from the wind, and he's smiling widely. Ryan is suddenly very aware of Ray's arms, which are clutching extremely tightly onto his own waist.

Ray doesn't seem to be embarrassed, and he untangles his arms from Ryan's waist to get off the bike. Ryan brushes a curl of hair that escaped from his bun off to the side, and picks up the bike to lean it against the wall of the convenience store. He makes sure to leave the mask on the bike to scare off anybody who might try to steal it - everybody in the city knows that the Mad King wears that. As well as Ryan, but still nobody can tell the difference.

They walk into the convenience store casually, staying in the farthest isles from the clerk to conceal their guns. Ryan is grateful that nobody else is in here, because if the Mad King really is going to make his appearance very soon, the casualties won't be too high. Hopefully.

Ray looks around, taking interest in the Red Bull in the refrigerators and browsing in the snack section. Ray looks perfectly normal - he's just a kid to the clerk. Ryan does his best not to look like a serial killer, but he looks a _lot_ like a serial killer because of the face paint and the rocket launcher. He keeps his face turned away from the clerk.

Ray looks up at Ryan and winks, and then grabs a bag of Doritos. He heads up to the counter, and starts the process of buying the bag. Ryan watches him - he spots Ray's hand, under the counter, giving him a thumbs up. Ryan raises his shotgun, and shouts: "This is a robbery! Don't try anything, or you'll end up with a bullet in your brain. Give us all the money in the cash register."

The clerk looks like he's gonna shit his pants, but reaches down and gets the money out of the register. He hands it over to Ray, who has his sniper rifle out, and then Ryan shoots him in the head.

Ryan doesn't care much - the guy's death was quick and probably painless. Besides, he had a reason to kill him.

Ray picks up the money and stuffs it in his purple hoodie, and then motions to Ryan to follow him outside. Ryan does, and they hop on the (still there, mask and all) bike and get the hell out of there. Ryan's feeling a little disappointed, because the Mad King is still waiting, but that feeling is quashed as soon as he hears the sirens.

"Well, shit." Is all he hears from Ray, but Ryan just smiles and accelerates to the speed he was at before. The sirens are louder now, and Ryan can see the red and blue flash on the street in front of them.

Ray moves one of the arms that is holding onto Ryan's waist, and when Ryan hears the gunshots, he knows Ray is shooting down the cops. It is a spur-of-the-moment move, though. Maybe Ray will kill a few cops, but the rest will call for backup and they're going to have a bunch of cops on their heels. Ryan has mixed feelings about this - there will be a lot more people available for Ryan to kill, but also less innocents who might be in the way of danger because the cops will take their place.

Ryan sees an alley, and shouts over to Ray. "Let's switch positions! I pull over in the alley, you start to drive, and I blow 'em up with my rocket launcher." He doesn't tell Ray about phase two, which is to jump off and cover Ray by unleashing the Mad King, which would effectively keep Ray out of the way and get the Mad King fucking _out._

Ryan slows down and turns into the alley, burying himself and Ray in there for a second. They switch, and with the speed they were going earlier, the cops are just catching up. Ray turns the cycle around and speeds out of the alley, and Ryan tries not to be aware of the fact that he's pressing right up against Ray and that Ryan's arms are wrapped around his waist now too.

Ryan shoots at the cops indirectly, and on purpose. He sort of wants to leave a lot of them so that the Mad King might be satisfied. He doesn't really know how many people he might kill, but he tries to leave a lot just in case. But whether he's shooting indirectly or not, it works, because there's fire and loud noises, so Ray doesn't suspect a single thing.

There are a lot of fucking cops. More and more seem to joining the chase, and Ryan's starting to think there are too much. Maybe it's the rocket launcher that did the trick. Ryan looks down for a moment, and sees on his watch that it's 12:01. Day 137, his own personal record. If he just makes it through today, through this one heist, he might get to day 138. But there are so many cops, he knows that they won't be able to just run away this time.

He turns to Ray, and says: "Look, there's too many of them! I'm gonna hop off and take them all out with the launcher - I can't lock on them well enough while I'm on the cycle. You keep going!"

Ryan can't see Ray's face, but he knows that he's angry, because he shouts: "No! Absolutely fucking not! You're gonna get killed! I can't just - just leave you!" Ryan starts feeling really uneasy.

The speed and the wind feels less refreshing now, and more like energy and adrenaline and bloodlust and murder. The bullets flying and the fire and the explosions are too tempting, they give him too much pleasure. Then Ryan smiles, even though he _really doesn't fucking feel like smiling, oh god it's happening,_ and says in a voice with a small difference only he can discern: "Don't worry about me, Ray. I'm the motherfucking Mad King."

It always happens just before his vision goes black - the Mad King is sharing him, just like in the small moments. Ryan always seems to forget just how terrifying it is to have somebody else controlling his body.

Then, Ryan points and shoots at a police car. It hits, sending the vehicle flying, and it slams into two other cars and they all explode in a terrifying and fiery display of destruction. "Trust me, I can take them." Ryan knows his vision is going to go black in just a moment, and the Mad King will truly take over, and he doesn't want Ray to be anywhere near him, he wants Ray to slow the _fuck_ down so he can get off this motorcycle.

Slow down Ray does, and the Mad King throws Ryan's body off of the cycle. He lands on two feet, hoisting his rocket launcher up on his shoulder and smiling. His shoulders are rigid and raised high.

In the corner of his eye, he sees Ray slow down and stop in an alley, his sniper rifle out. No, _fucking no,_ Ray's still here, in the path of danger where he can see everything and feel everything and -

 **The King has arrived. Why, isn't this a nice greeting party? Thank you, Ryan, for setting this up so well. I appreciate the effort. If you keep giving me these nice, bloody opportunities, I might let you have control a minute sooner than usual.**

 **I know, I know, it doesn't sound like much, but a full minute is worth quite a few lives when I'm the one in charge.**

 **Well, I said maybe. And you still have to supply me with a good amount of humans every time I come to visit for my gift to be valid, after all.**

 **You know, I truly do love being able to move. Being trapped in your mind isn't as enjoyable as you think it may be. Perhaps I should be the one with the power, not the other way around.**

 **I know you're the one who is trapped right now. You can get a good taste of my life for a while. Do you like my room? I've decorated it in my spare time. I've got lots of that.**

 **I think I'd prefer to have less time on my hands nowadays. Maybe coming to visit more often isn't such a bad idea, now is it, Ryan?**

 **Ugh, these police trash are such a bore. I think I'll dispose of them in some ways that make dealing with these petty bags of bones and screams a bit more fun!**

 **Hm. Finding new ways to kill has become a hobby of mine. I do it while I'm trapped inside your cage of a mind. It does have the right atmosphere, you know. It's all dark and shadowy, and you have a big nice countdown that lets me know just how often you let me out. You're letting me out less frequently now. I don't approve of that, Ryan.**

 **But as I was saying, I do like to find ways to kill each and every person you know.**

 **First, I'll kill your family in Georgia. They don't know what kind of life their James leads - it'll be oh so** _ **fun**_ **convincing them that you're still on those dumb pills, letting them trust you again - and then getting to murder them all. Oldest die first, of course, so the younger can watch. And, I've heard that your sister had a child a few years ago. She'll be my favorite one to toy with.**

 **But then, when I come back to Los Santos, your pathetic little friends will get it as well. I'm going to shoot Jack, first in the legs and the feet, and then in the arms and the chest and the head until he's nothing but bullets and blood. The police will have such trouble identifying him, won't they?**

 **Geoff will be tortured a while. He's thinks he's so smart, so funny. We'll see how that all goes away after a while, how he'll be begging for mercy. The way he'll finally die is by blood loss - I've got it all worked out. It'll take a very,** _ **very**_ **long time.**

 **Michael will be burned. I'll burn him all over, and then douse him with water, and then burn him again. He'll be burned over and over until he gets convinced that he's already in Hell. He'll be nothing but ashes once I'm done with him.**

 **Gavin can watch Michael die. I know that'll hurt him the most. Then, he can drown, and just when he's about to die I'll pull him out of the water. I'll do it again, and again, and again, until his tears will mix with the water and make the ocean twice as big. Then I'll finally let him die by choking him to death, with my own hands. I just** _ **relish**_ **the feeling of life fading in my grasp - oh, how much pleasure it gives me!**

 **Ray gets the best one of all.**

 **First, I'll drop him off a cliff. Dropping him will cause the most fear - I don't know if you've noticed, but your little Ray has an aversion to heights. The cliff should not be too high, though - he might die, and I don't want that. Oh, not yet. Then, I'll do what I did to everyone else, but simply to a lesser extent. I'll shoot him in every limb. I'll torture him. I'll burn him. I'll drown him. And then, just near the end, I'll break every bone in his body and tell him how much Ryan hated him. He'll finally go out with a bullet to the brain.**

 **I'll kill all of them. Every. Last. One.**

* * *

Ryan wakes up covered in blood.

His rocket launcher is still on his shoulder.

He's terrified.

There's blood everywhere. There's smoke and fire and destruction everywhere, but most of all, blood. Blood coats everything everywhere around him. There are bodies all around, most mangled and some hardly looking human.

Ryan's shoulders slump, and a laugh he didn't know he was laughing dies in his throat. He drops his rocket launcher, and it clatters to the ground. He looks at his hands.

They're red. They're just covered in red, red everything, and Ryan falls to his knees and starts to shake.

It has never been this bad.

No ambulances or police cars have arrived yet, so Ryan's all alone in this street full of death that he made happen.

The twisted and blackened wreckages of the police cars are smoking and terrible, some melted together and some soaked in yet more blood. Ryan feels sick.

His breathing quickens. Ray. It's - Ray - he doesn't know if - oh god, is he - where - no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no, no no no no nonononononononononononono - where - Ray - stop, stop.

He hears a small gasp somewhere, and turns. It's Ray peeking his head out from behind the wall of the alleyway. "R-Ryan?" His voice is weak.

Ryan doesn't respond right away. Finally, he says: "Yeah?"

"What - what was that?" Ray's voice shakes, and Ryan thinks he might have been crying.

Ryan smiles grimly. "That was the Mad King." He stays still for a moment, and then the true horror hits.

He just murdered so many people. He just ruined lives, destroyed everything, whether it be the goddamn police cars or whatever it is that he and Ray had. He ended everything, he's killed. He's shot, he's tortured, he's burned, he's done god knows what else, and he's a monster.

Ryan doesn't realize that he's all curled up on the ground, raking his hands through his hair. He doesn't realize that he's sobbing until Ray is holding him. He's shaking, shaking hard, and it's for three reasons:

He just killed so many people

The Mad King told him that all of his friends are going to die by his own hand

Ray sure as hell hates him, even if he's holding him right now.

Ryan doesn't want to. That's it. He doesn't want to deal with the blood, the gore, the horror, the confusion and the tears. He wants to just disappear, to not exist because the longer he stays alive the more risk he is to everybody else. The longer he stays alive, the more pain he feels. But he can't will himself to do anything about it.

Ray is shushing him, and Ryan realizes he spoke his thoughts out loud. Ray's hands can hardly hold onto him, because Ryan is coated in blood, and it's sticky and slippery in the worst way, but Ray grabs him and hoists him up. Ryan, even though he is much taller than Ray, stays clutching onto him.

Ryan is weak and shaking, and he feels faint and like he's going to die. This is what it's always like on Day Zero: You start all over again. But it has never been this bad. Never.

Ryan isn't really aware of anything most of the time he rides home, but he holds onto Ray as tight as he can. He thinks that they're going fast to get away, because he can hear sirens of police cars and ambulances and helicopters in the background, but he doesn't know for sure.

When the motorcycle finally stops, Ryan is a little stuck to Ray because of all the blood, but any hilarity the situation might present falls away because of the reason the blood is there. Ray tears himself away from Ryan, and Ryan drops to the ground in a small huddle. He hyperventilates and shakes, and it's a battle to even make it into the apartment.

Ryan's always terrified of what happens next. On the night of Day Zero, the day he starts all over, he always has terrible nightmares. And today will be no different - in fact, it will be much worse. But Ryan doesn't want to go into his room all bloody, because when he does wake up in the middle of the night, the first thing he will see should not be blood.

So Ryan asks, and Ray guides Ryan to the bathroom and flips on the lights. Ryan sees his face in the mirror, and is horrified.

His face paint can't be seen at all. There's blood all over his face, like it's coated. The only part of him not covered in blood is his cheeks - the tear streaks cleared away some of the blood, so Ryan looks like some sort of weeping demon. He supposes he is one.

Ray continues to guide him into the shower before blushing and leaving. Ryan doesn't understand why for a moment, and realizes he's supposed to take off his clothes and get in the shower. He does, and turns on the water until it's almost scalding.

This is the way it's always like, Day Zero. He doesn't know what to do or how to do it. He's weak and he's ruined for quite a while after - he'll be like this for a week. This isn't even the worst of it. That part is saved for sleep, which he can't avoid since he's so tired.

Once all of the blood and paint and ash is scrubbed off, Ryan turns off the water, takes a towel, ties it around his waist, and stumbles into his room. He throws on some kind of shorts before collapsing into the bed and falling asleep.

* * *

This is truly the part Ryan hates the most. His nightmares are always plagued by the Mad King, and it's always in the place where the King came out to play. Ryan always sees the same things that he did just before the King took over, but it doesn't just go blank. It continues as he turns into the Mad King.

Ryan sees terrible things. The Mad King rips people apart, burns them and laughs, shoots them and mangles them and destroys everything that was life. Ryan's afraid, so, so, afraid, that these are truly the events that conspired tonight. He's afraid of that every night. But nobody knows that he can't remember what happens. Nobody knows that Ryan and the Mad King are separate, so he can't ask anybody who witnessed it about what things he did. And a majority of the people who ever witnessed it are currently dead.

Ryan is terrified of this person in his head who comes out and plays with people like they're his own personal experiments. A person who revels in pain and fear.

But this is what and who Ryan sees tonight. The last thing he hears in the dream before he wakes himself up is what the Mad King said to him. It terrifies him, all the way to his bones, and he wakes up sweating and panting and deathly afraid of himself, afraid if he really is capable of that. He's afraid he's not so different from the Mad King.

Ryan desperately wishes not to exist.

Ray - oh god, Ray! What if he - what if he hurt him, sometime in the night, while he was asleep? What if he had accidentally killed him, or, or, or something - what if the Mad King really is going to take over and kill everybody, what if Ray is hurt or dead because of him?

It's still dark out. Ryan glances at his watch, which says that it's 4:23 in the morning. He thinks it was around 2:00 that he got back. He knows Ray is definitely asleep - at this early in the morning, and after a heist, Ray has to be exhausted. He's got to be asleep, even with the things he saw probably on his mind. But Ryan needs to, has to see him and make sure he's alright - God, Ray! He needs him.

The fact that Ray has to be asleep doesn't stop him from stumbling into Ray's room. He quietly shuts the door behind himself, and stands there for a minute at the door wondering what he was doing before remembering how he needs somebody, anybody, to help him, and he needs, somehow, to see that Ray's alright.

He basically falls onto Ray's bed, and looks at Ray for a second. He looks fine, peaceful, even, and there isn't any blood. Ryan relaxes.

He looks so perfect when he's asleep, although Ryan does prefer when Ray has glasses on. It... completes him a little. Ryan waits a second, and then buries himself into Ray. He wraps his arms around him and tucks his head under Ray's. It's a little uncomfortable, because Ryan is bigger than Ray, but it's what he needs.

Ray seems to wake up, because he shifts around a little bit. At first he stiffens, but then he relaxes and puts his arms around Ryan. Ray starts to whisper, and Ryan listens. "Look. Ryan. I know you're... messed up, because of what happened. I don't get it. I don't understand what happened earlier, but you don't have to tell me. It's okay if you don't. But... I'll be here for you, Ry. You need somebody for once, and I can be that somebody."

Ryan nods a little bit, and savors the fact that Ray is the fucking warmest person ever. Then, he goes stiff for a second - he thinks Ray just pressed a kiss into his forehead. Ryan lays there still for a second, and Ray starts again, his tone less calm. "Oh, shit, Ryan, I'm sorry -" But Ryan cuts him off.

He presses a small kiss to Ray's lips, and then tucks himself back in. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse and sounds broken. "Don't apologize. I - I should apologize."

Ray sounds sad. "You look pretty sorry to me already. Besides, you were, uh, really good cover."

Ryan laughs a little, but it's croaky. "No - I want to apologize for not telling you about the Mad King. Nobody knows about the Mad King, but... I'm not the Mad King. He's not me." Ryan goes on to explain his story, to explain that he's royally fucked up in more than a few different ways.

When he finishes, Ray looks like he wants to cry and Ryan is crying. Ray presses himself close to Ryan, and whispers: "I'm sorry you have this fucking monster in your head. It's not what you deserve."

Ryan closes his eyes. "Maybe, maybe not."

He falls asleep.

* * *

He wakes up at 8:00 by Geoff's scream. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" He looks at Ray, and they untangle themselves before getting up and going into the living room.

The rest of the guys are already up. It looks like they were eating breakfast, but now they're all sitting in front of the TV and staring at it with rapt attention. Ryan and Ray sit down.

The show that's on is a news show, and on the screen is a street that's been torn to pieces. It's been blown apart, and a huge pileup of police cars and bodies are in the middle. Ryan stiffens.

The street is coated with blood.

Ray grabs his hand and squeezes it.

The news show continues to talk about the numbers. 136 dead. Ryan thinks the Mad King did that on purpose.

56 police cars destroyed.

About a fifth of the police force was killed. They're calling it 'Dead Street Massacre'.

Only one person survived, and they said this after an extensive (almost) life-saving surgery: "There was this... person. He had a rocket launcher. He... he just struck us down like we were nothing. He tortured the others, mangling them and ruining them before tossing them away like broken toys. He killed them all _._ And he laughed. He's a _monster._ " The man passes out soon after that, and his doctors rush to keep him alive. The news reporter gets something in her earbud, and says that the man died just a few minutes ago. It brings the death toll up to 137.

Ryan is so scared. So, so scared. He's clutching onto Ray's hand like there's no tomorrow, and it feels like there might not be. He thinks there might be tears shining in his eyes, so he looks down and sucks the feelings inside.

The others don't notice anything off about Ryan. Geoff starts to talk. "I don't know who this psycho is that did it, but he's competition. He could wipe all of us out easily, just _look_ at what he did to those policemen... I wonder if I should hug him, kill him, or recruit him." Ryan feels real fear, stronger than before, and realizes that what Geoff said is true. The Mad King could easily wipe the Crew out - the Mad King is cold, calculating, ruthless.

Finally, Jack takes notice. "Uh, Ryan, are you okay?" Ryan lets go of Ray's hand before anybody sees.

"I -" His voice sounds terrible, worse than earlier. "I - it was the Mad King."

The others turn to him. Geoff speaks first. "What the fuck do you mean, the Mad King? You're the Mad King!"

Ryan looks up at the others, and resists the urge to run away. He feels sick. "I - I'm not the Mad King. I'm Ryan. There's - there's a difference." They look confused, so he continues.

"I have Multiple Personality Disorder. The Mad King - he just, he takes over me and I don't remember a thing afterwards. He kills other people in sickening ways for the fun of it, and it's terrifying - I can't - it's just - I'm separate from him. He's this other person, this murderer in my head who kills without regard for who you are. He wants to try and kill all of you, in different and h-horrifying ways, and I - I hate him, I'm scared of him!" Ryan stands up and rubs his face, turning away. The others are shellshocked.

Michael and Gavin are somber, and their eyes are trained on the floor. Jack seems to be on the verge of tears. Geoff looks like he just wants to hug him. Ray grabs his hand again.

Ryan thinks he's going to break down in a minute, and he's scared. He can't trust himself not to accidentally let the Mad King out again in a fit of emotion, even though it's unlikely. He's just so scared, and he wants to run away or not exist.

Jack stands up, and comes to hug Ryan. He does, and Ryan sighs. He doesn't want this person who is holding him to be dead, not at all.

Gavin comes up next, his eyes looking a little watery and red. He seems like a lost puppy. "I - I'm sorry Ryan. I didn't know you guys were separate, I should've realized... I'm right sorry, Ry." Ryan smiles a little - he can be an annoying prick, but the kid is sweet.

Michael comes up next to him and nods. "I'm sorry, Ryan."

Geoff doesn't talk at all, he just hugs him for a really long time.

Once the Crew dissipates, Ray grabs his hand and drags him away somewhere.

They end up back in the garage, with Ray and Ryan sitting against the wall and holding hands. Ray's head is leaning on Ryan's shoulder, and Ryan asks the question that's been bothering him. "Why don't you hate me?"

Ray is quiet for a bit. "I don't hate you, Ryan. It's not your fault. I hate the Mad King. I love Ryan. Like you said, you're separate." Ryan moves back for a moment.

"You love me?"

"Fuck yeah, I do. Why would I ever lie about that?"

Ryan smiles a second, and says, "You wouldn't." He puts his hand under Ray's chin and lifts it up towards him, and then kisses him.

Ray, at first, is slightly shocked, but goes with it after a moment. Ryan wraps an arm around Ray's back and pulls him closer. He figures his dynamic from before is all wrong. Instead of pushing Ray away because he's too dangerous, he needs to spend what time he has left with him. Ryan figures that one day he'll become too volatile, and somebody will have to put him out of commision. Or maybe one day the Mad King will take over and kill everybody. But either way, his time with Ray isn't guaranteed to be long. He should take advantage of it while he can.

Ray has scooched so close he's basically sitting on Ryan's lap, which Ryan thoroughly enjoys. He decides to give himself over to Ray, because he needs somebody who will take time to understand him and fix him. He pours all of his desperation and fears into this one kiss, hoping that they'll work better than the words he speaks because he can't stumble over them.

When they break apart, their cheeks are flushed and their lips are swollen. Ray breathes out. "Okay."

Ryan murmurs, "I'm so fucked up, Ray."

"We can be fucked up together, then."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not _that_ easy to kill, Ryan. Like, I'm not complete shit."

"It doesn't mean I can't _hurt_ you."

"That's okay. I know you don't want to hurt me. So we'll work it out so that when the Mad King comes out, you're alone."

"I don't have a perfect way of knowing when he comes."

"You have some idea, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Ray waits a while before speaking again. "Hey asshole, I just put myself out there for you. Least you can do is say 'I love you too' or some shit."

Ryan chuckles. "I love you enough to not even have to say it, but okay. I love you too." He kisses Ray again.

* * *

The next day, they have a memorial for the policemen from 'Dead Street'. The clean up crews must have been working all day and all night, because the street is basically clean. But Ryan can still see the little spots of blood on the street.

Ryan and Ray decide to go to the service. Ryan has no idea why he decides to go, because seeing the sobbing widows and their children makes him feel like a monster. Seeing the faces of the policemen he killed makes him feel worse. And listening to the old priest somebody hired talk about how it was a tragedy, and how no person in their right mind could do such a thing makes him feel like a murderous freak.

But Ray holds his hand, so he tries his best not to do something terrible.

They have the priest talk for an hour, and everybody else sits in white folding chairs in the middle of the street.

Ryan only listens for the first ten minutes, and then he tunes it out.

137 days. That's how long he's lasted, two times now. He's met his personal record. He wonders whether that's a coincidence, or maybe it's not. Maybe he can only go so many days without the Mad King coming back - maybe he has a limit and 137 days just happens to be his.

In the future, he'll reach 137 days a couple more times, but he'll never get to day 138.

They'll live their days in flame and adrenaline and wind, and it'll be quick and explosive. Ryan's future is muddled and unclear, and he doesn't know what he'll do that one day sometime in the years to come when Los Santos and his crew are gone (maybe because of him). But just for right now, everything's okay - not great, but okay - and Ryan thinks maybe for a moment that he could live on like this even while this goddamned priest dude is describing what a monster he is.

Maybe he's just floating in an ocean of perpetual madness and anxiety and blood, but Ray's hand is holding his to keep him from going completely under, so he'll live.


End file.
